Once Upon a Time

Howdy, friends. I realized yesterday that I haven’t blogged at all since January. This, officially, being the last day of the month of February during the year 2011, I figured I’d better not hit midnight without having written at least something to represent the fact that I’m still alive and kicking.

Really and truly though, every day of every month, of every year, only comes around once. And I’m thankful for each day I’m blessed to wake up with air in my lungs.

It has been a month of beginnings. So much has happened – all of which has effectively caused my heart to swell to nearly twice its normal size with happiness. If that particular predicament is a medical condition, then it’s one for which I’ll gladly endure chronic symptoms. I venture to say that everything seems a little bit like a fairy tale. Albeit, far from the childhood fantasies that became the subject of many a bedtime story, but full of hope and inspiration nonetheless.

I started a new job as Internet Director for KBTX/CBS/CW media, which I’m super-psyched about. (This particular job was not among the options I mentioned in a previous blog.) I’m still continuing to do my graphics design business on the side, which allows me an additional outlet of creativity. My book is coming along nicely – three more chapters and the next phase ensues. I’m enjoying my car (purchased in November), however, the recent hike in gas prices has left a lot to be desired. And I have a grin on my face stretched from ear to ear that has caused cheek aches on occasion…but I’m not complaining.

Once upon a time, and not too long ago, things in my life – both personally and professionally – existed with an overdose of doom and gloom, and an unhealthy serving of conditioned distrust and pessimism. Although let’s face it, I’m not about to forego any tendencies towards my sarcastic nature. Those qualities are forever embedded in my brain, and are often the source for some interesting and humorous topics. I’m just toning it down to accommodate the optimism that has overpowered my habit of cynicism. And get this, I’m happier than I’ve been in a long time!

Once upon a time, I worried too much about what others thought of me. I realized that the things I’ve endured in my life have given me a profound strength of character. It took a long time for me to actually appreciate and love the reflection and the beauty of the person I see in the mirror.

Once upon a time, I doubted who I was. I got caught up in being the proverbial victim of failure, and it took some soul-searching to realize the only thing standing in my way was me. Success comes in many forms. Some attribute it to financial stability, others in talents, etc. I see it as finally coming to terms with the fact that I am the very woman God created me to be. Including my flaws and imperfections. I’m not a saint by any means. I know this. I also know I’m going to make some giant mistakes down the road. But with personal conflict and competition to improve upon (and to learn from those mistakes) comes the invaluable opportunity to grow and progress as a person. That is worth more to me than success measured by any other means.

Once upon a time, I compared myself to others. I took my abilities and gifts for granted. I craved recognition from others, as this was my means of feeling like I counted, like I made a difference. I discovered that God gave me a unique skill set, and once I stopped trying so hard to one-up myself, and instead began to use those skills to serve, things started to fall into place.

Once upon a time, I thought I had to have all the answers. I thought everything could be mapped and planned out in a perfect little package of structure and organization. What I quickly became aware of was that the spontaneous moments of chaos and absurdity added a flavor of breathtaking splendor to this story called 'life'.

My story has many chapters already written. And glancing back at the pages of the past, I wouldn’t change one sentence of my story. Each experience has given me the foundation from which to learn. Each character has influenced the person I am today.

Illustrated with the creatures of both fantasy and reality, my fairy tale is my own. It will ultimately have a happy ending, for I know I will leave this world exactly how I came into it – in God’s hands. For now, I will enjoy every turn of the page…striving to face the unknown…continuing my journey to see how where and how my story develops.

Once upon a time, my story was fashioned after a childhood fantasy. The content spun with whimsical enthusiasm and sprinkled with bright-eyed hope and anticipation.

Today, and forever more, it represents the dream that belongs to me.

I Am Still Running

“The outside of a horse is good for the inside of a man.”
- Winston Churchill

There are few moments more spectacular than watching a horse run freely. God designed their bodies to move…legs and muscles reaching to propel them faster…hooves resounding like thunder against the earth…stretching out into a streaming fluidity of sheer grace and beauty in motion. A sight that is so powerful, it can bring even the most hardened man to his knees in awe.

This afternoon, my sister and I took my niece to the theatre to see “Secretariat”. What a wonderful movie! Everything about it just warmed my insides; the magnificence of the horses, the message of determination, the musical score. All of these things combined made for a beautiful, dramatic story of fortitude and perseverance.

As I sat in the theatre surrounded by the other moviegoers, it occurred to me how alike we all were in the dark. There were folks of all ages sharing the atmosphere – grandparents, baby boomers, thirty-somethings (my crowd), college students, teenagers, children and toddlers. Without the glaring lights overhead to illuminate every imperfection, every scar, every wrinkle, every handicap, we were similar creatures. For two hours we all shared in our willingness to shed our inhibitions, sit on the edges of our seats, clasp our hands together in nervous anticipation, and cheer on the characters with our desire to win the race.

I marvel in the moments where life imitates art. Watching the movie, surrounded by the variety of people, I realized that all of us are running.

In every aspect of the race, we struggle to persist. We run because we have places to be, bills to pay, tasks to complete, and a life to lead. We rely on each other to get the job done. At times, we sometimes fall and scrape our knees. But, each of us is filled with the willpower to dust off our boots and forge ahead. Along the way, God graces us with the opportunity to ride instead of run. And most importantly, to help our brothers get back in the saddle, or on their feet, when they have fallen. We need each other to complete the circle of life that runs endlessly.

God designed every one of us for a purpose. Some of us are meant to be leaders, charging several strides ahead to provide a solid path for others to follow. Some of us are teachers, encouraging direction, knowledge and patience as we face difficulty and the occasional bump in the road. Some are helpers, standing on the sidelines, supporting and urging us forth, stepping in to take our place when we have to stop and catch our breaths. No matter what talents and abilities we’ve been given, we are all able to run. We each have a pace, guided by a higher hand, pushing us gently onward to the finish line.

What lies before me in the race? I don’t know. The fear of the unknown causes my adrenaline to surge, compelling me to keep going. Stronger. Faster. Farther. Trusting in the places my feet land. Embracing the notion that ‘winners forget they’re in a race; they just love to run’.

I am still running.

I will continue to let the wind rush by my ears as I put one foot in front of the other. My goal is just around the corner, in the distance. Sometimes uphill. When I reach my destination I realize that I’ve completed only a small milestone in my journey. I must keep moving along my path into the horizon. Before long, I forget that I am running. I look down and the ground is far beneath my feet. And I admonish in the fact that my roots have grown wings.

When my legs are tired, I envision myself riding that horse. Borrowing freedom for a while. Until I am strong enough to run freely on my own again. And so fast that I have but to leap into the air to soar among the clouds. Reaching for my purpose.

There are few moments more spectacular than running freely. God designed our bodies to move…legs and muscles reaching to propel us faster…feet resounding like thunder against the earth…stretching out into a streaming fluidity of sheer grace and beauty in motion. A feeling that is so powerful, it brings us to our knees.

God has carried me this far. And I am in awe.

Holding it All Together

This past weekend, I attended the Women of Joy Conference in San Antonio. Three days, two nights, music, stories, sermons, fellowship and faith, in a convention center full of 4,000 female personalities ranging from birth to menopause and up. Wow. Wow. Wow.

The weekend began on Friday, when my mom, sister (Jennifer), Amanda (my other “sister”), Amanda’s mom, Glenda, and I all piled in my mom’s suburban to set off for San Antonio. We stopped outside of Bastrop to eat at Chili’s, then took the longest, roughest, guaranteed-to-frustrate-you-because-you’re-sure-to-get-stuck-behind-Farmer-Joe-out-for-his-afternoon-drive road. (Note to self: avoid 304 in the future.) Of course, being the control-freak that I am, I insisted on driving. I think I was secretly trying to test my own patience. We arrived in San Antonio around 4pm and checked into the historic Menger Hotel. I’m told it’s haunted, which fascinates me, but alas, I saw no ghosts (…and I was really hoping to see Babe Ruth). I remained in the room to snooze a bit before the night’s festivities began while my roommates went to trek around the River Center Mall.

Around 6:30pm, our church group (22 of us) headed over to the Gonzales Convention Center. The two-block hike wasn’t bad, but my feet don’t like the new blisters as a result of wearing heels. And as long as I’m being honest, I may as well tell you that my heart wasn’t quite in the spirit of the weekend yet. I was expecting to see a bunch of hugging, crying, praying and witnessing. Well, I did see some of that. And what my heart and soul witnessed gave me so much more.

Charles Billingsley was our worship leader/entertainer/host for the weekend. He has one of the most beautiful, powerful voices I have ever had the pleasure of hearing. And being a singer, I am veeeerrry critical about what pleases my ear. (One of the first things I did when I got home on Sunday was find him on iTunes and download his latest album.) At first, it was a little awkward standing amongst a bunch of strangers and learning to sing songs I wasn’t familiar with. Admittedly, I’m not really comfortable waving my hands in the air to embrace the Holy Spirit. That has always seemed a bit ostentatious to me. No offense to those of you who do it, I just don’t get into it. My worship style is a bit more reserved and private. But, the spirit in the room was electric. Absolutely buzzing with emotion. Following the music, our guest speaker of the evening, Sarah Palin, delivered a very compelling, inspirational speech about how we need God back in the hearts of the American people. Funny, witty and sharp as a whip, Mrs. Palin captivated the crowd with her message. I don’t care what your political views are, but I whole-heartedly agree with the concept of re-establishing a strong foundation of belief in God to help lead and heal this nation. Mrs. Palin hit the nail head on. I sincerely wish everyone could’ve had the privilege to get a glimpse into her heart like I did. It was riveting, and highly motivating. One of my favorite quotes in her speech was, “Over-comers are visionaries, not victims.” I choose to be a visionary.

Saturday morning began with more music and great ministry messages from Liz Curtis Higgs and Becky Tirabassi. Both of them were fantastic speakers, each with her own dynamic style of reining in the crowd's attention. We had a seven-hour stretch of free time from 12-7pm, so we broke off to eat lunch and have some much-needed girl time. After a fabulous meal at The Original Mexican Restaurant on the River Walk, Mom, Jen and I went to see “Life As We Know It” at the movie theatre in the mall. What a heartwarming movie! And the fact that Josh Duhamel and Josh Lucas co-starred in the movie didn’t hurt either. I’m such a sucker for blue eyes. Following the movie, we did some shopping at the mall. The highlight of my day was the fun we had at the Disney Store and stopping for an Orange Julius. Yummy! I sooo wish we still had one of those around here. I feel so deprived.

Back in the hotel room following our shopping excursion, I caught some of the televised Texas A&M vs. Arkansas game. Mistake. Although it was fitting that I was at a Christian conference; I think it was appropriate to pray for my Aggies. At this point, a little divine intervention couldn’t hurt. After a short nap, our group got ready for the evening. Carol Kent gave a very influential message about overcoming difficult challenges. Her story struck such a chord with me. I bought three of her books, and I can’t wait to read “Between a Rock and a Grace Place”. Steven Curtis Chapman took the stage about 9:30pm. Oh. My. Goodness. Wow. The next time I see him in concert (and I will), I need to wear waterproof mascara. I had a hard time keeping my composure. My soul was so moved. I’m still awestruck.

After the concert, we all made our way back to the hotel. Mom, my cousin Karen, and I all sat in the Menger courtyard eating a late dinner and talking. I just love those deep conversations about life. It’s so nice to know that regardless of where you’ve been, or where you might be headed, someone supports you unconditionally. Sitting outside in the evening air, I could reach up and feel the breeze on my hand. Know what I felt? The face of God. He’s been there all along. He has my back. Last night, during a phone conversation with a good friend, I was reminded that the devil works his hardest to bring us down when we are so lifted in the spirit of God. I must be doing something right, for I can feel the devil tempting me to stray. Faced with those decisions, a new strength has emerged in me, allowing me to hold steady to my course instead of faltering. I am reminded of how far I have progressed to overcome my own adversities. Despite my struggles over the last year, I am eternally saved and blessed. I just can’t wait to see how God wants to use me.

Sunday morning we arose, packed our stuff to get ready to leave before we ventured to the final morning of the conference. (At this point, I still hadn’t seen any ghosts.) Charles Billingsley once again stole the show with his southern gospel/southern rock/groove and traditional montage of “I’ll Fly Away”. He had us rolling with laughter, swaying and clapping our hands. Priceless! Priscilla Shirer (father is Dr. Tony Evans) gave us a brilliant sermon. I reflected on how each speaker had her own exceptional style - each one equally effective, their message happily infecting every cell of my being.

On the way home, we stopped at the Chili’s outside of Seguin. I think I’ve had my fill of that place for a while. I chilled out in the backseat of the suburban while Mom drove us home. Listening to my iPod and watching the landscapes roll by, I thought about the events and the emotions the past weekend had embodied. Leaving behind a convention center full of thousands of strangers, I realized that we were not strangers after all. We were united sisters in Christ, bound by His love. I am comforted to know that the spirit is rejuvenated by at least 4,000 more souls with a passion for God, me being one of them. I’ve often heard the phrase, ‘Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned’. Well, my version is ‘Hell hath no fear like a woman fired up for God!’

Last week, I had an interview at Baylor University. As I waited in the reception area, I perused the Baylor viewbook. Next to one of the campus photos was a specific Bible verse that caught my eye. I made a quick note of it and it has been with me ever since… “For by Him all things were created: things in heaven and on earth, visible and invisible, whether thrones or powers or rulers or authorities; all things were created by Him and for Him. He is before all things, and in Him all things hold together." (Colossians 1:16-17) Beautiful words.

God created each of us for a specific purpose. While I have no reservations in admitting that I’d like to know from time to time which direction my life is heading, I’m glad that God is steering me down the right road. It’s nice to relinquish that control and know that someone else is holding it all together.