November Blog Series: Day 10

Day ten. Only twenty more days to go until my daily blog writing challenge is completed. I have half a mind to attempt this again in a few months to try and keep myself focused.

The Seattle hoard arrives this evening, and I am soooo excited! And my parents’ party is just two days away! Mom and I estimated around 90+ that are planning to show. That’s a lot of fajita fixin’s! Tonight, my sister and I have to finish “breaking” the scored wine bottles for the hurricane candle lamps. Lots of work going into those, but the end result will be well worth it. We also have to finish up our playlist. Lots of fun 50s and 60s tunes, as well as some classic country. My bro-in-law has insisted we bass to Coolio’s “Gangsta’s Paradise” during the meal, but since we won’t have any EMTs on hand, we might have to nix that idea.

If I have anything to with it, we WILL throw in some AC/DC. “Shook Me All Night Long” is always a crowd pleaser. It’s amazing how many people shake it to that song – even with artificial hips and walkers (just kidding). Hell, maybe I’ll go all out and throw in some Marvin Gaye! That would expend just about any shred of sanity I have left. But, it might be fun to test that theory. All hail groovin’ with the Baby Boomers!

On that note, if my parents’ generation is known as the Baby Boomers, does that make my generation known as the “Baby Boomer Boomers”? Or the “Baby Baby Boomers”? We’ll just trim it down the to “Triple Bs”.

Word up, Triple Bs?

Pain meds are great. Can’t you tell?

Anyway, still have lots to do before Friday evening’s festivities take place. Should be a great time, though. Saturday, we are planning a “date” night of sorts. We are planning “big kids” night out at Koppe Bridge (best burgers on the planet!) and bowling, pool, laser tag and games at Grand Station. Only problem is that I don’t have a date. Typical. It will be three couples and me. By myself. I will be the seventh wheel (if there is such a thing). **sigh**

I’d really like to be at the Baylor vs. A&M game, but since I don’t get to see my Seattle family very often, I am really looking forward to spending time with them. Plus, I already know the Aggies are going to beat the fuzzy bear britches off the Bears, so there’s no point in enduring any embarrassment for the other team. WHOOP!

Sunday is my niece’s birthday party. She is going to be three! I swear that kid is three going on 13. Her vocabulary and comprehension absolutely amazes me! We are going to roast hot dogs around a campfire, and enjoy some s’mores. Maybe play some 42 and Spades. And of course, I’m looking forward to seeing whatever antics my cousins and uncle will have up their sleeves when faced with the temptation of anything relating to pyromania. The smallest event usually turns into something highly entertaining when my family is involved. We are cool like that.

Well, my friends, I’m signing off early again today. Lots to do this afternoon. Heading out in a while to go take a look at a car I may buy. Kind of excited about that. Ready to trade in Robert Redford (an old farm truck, it’s red and it’s a Ford – get it? Hahaha! I kill me…), for something a little newer and more economical.

Lots of good things on the horizon, but I’ll save those for another day. Need to leave myself some options to write about in the near future.

Word to ya muthas!

November Blog Series: Day 9

Day nine.

Fear.

“Fear is an emotional response to a perceived threat. It is a basic survival mechanism occurring in response to a specific stimulus, such as pain or the threat of danger. Some psychologists such as John B. Watson, Robert Plutchik, and Paul Ekman have suggested that fear belongs to a small set of basic or innate emotions. This set also includes such emotions as joy, sadness, and anger. Fear should be distinguished from the related emotional state of anxiety, which typically occurs without any external threat. Additionally, fear is related to the specific behaviors of escape and avoidance, whereas anxiety is the result of threats, which are perceived to be uncontrollable or unavoidable. Worth noting is that fear almost always relates to future events, such as worsening of a situation, or continuation of a situation that is unacceptable. Fear could also be an instant reaction to something presently happening.” – as defined by Wikipedia

Yep. I think I experienced just about every form of the aforementioned reactions associated with “fear” today. Mix in a good rounded dose of “anxiety” and that just about sums up my day.

Without getting overly personal, I’ll just tell you that, medically, it’s been a rough couple of days. Amazingly enough, I’ve remained of sound mind. Which surprises me. (I have a tendency to worry on occasion.) I know I’ve been in good Hands.

Know what the scary part is? The not knowing. And then finding out that what you (and the doctors) thought they knew is, in fact, not it at all. And that it could be something else. Or nothing at all. If that makes any sense. But, this too, shall pass. And passing it is.

Cutting my blog short tonight. I know I cheated a little bit, but since I wrote two yesterday, I figure they’ve contributed a substantial effort to make up for today’s written shortcomings.

I’ll leave you with a poem that a treasured friend sent me a while back…

This Too Shall Pass

If I can endure for this minute

Whatever is happening to me,

No matter how heavy my heart is

Or how dark the moment may be



If I can remain calm and quiet

With all the world crashing about me,

Secure in the knowledge God loves me

When everyone else seems to doubt me



If I can but keep on believing

What I know in my heart to be true
That darkness will fade with the morning

And that this will pass away, too



Then nothing in life can defeat me

For as long as this knowledge remains

I can suffer whatever is happening

For I know God will break all of the chains



That are binding me tight in the darkness

And trying to fill me with fear

For there is no night without dawning

And I know that my morning is near

- Helen Steiner Rice

To my wonderful prayer warriors… My deepest gratitude goes out to you. You are loved.

Dream Again

I remember reading somewhere that dreams are the subconscious wishes of our heart to achieve what our brain deems to be the impossible. On that same note, why do we feel our hearts break a little when our dreams don’t come true?

When we allow ourselves to feel things deeply, it transforms us. Changes us. Sure, we might look the same on the outside, but inside we are lifted to a level that is higher than what we though ourselves capable. We view the world, and the people in it, with new eyes. Eyes that refuse to see fault. Eyes that gaze upon the objects of our affection with a poetic sense of wonder and perfection – be it a person, a goal, an obstacle to overcome, or a dream we keep inside us. We are buzzing with the energy of inspiration, and that feeling of euphoria propels us further, frees our imaginations, and helps us to focus on what we thought to be unattainable.

If one dream fails, perhaps it means that it was never supposed to be ours to begin with. And still we find the renewed strength within us to reach above and beyond our own perceived limitations. The ache in our heart heals, making us stronger and more confident for the next bout of trials. We tell ourselves that if we survived a failure once, we will surely bear it again, and recognize the signs when we’re on the wrong path.

Giving of our whole heart leaves us vulnerable, open to deeper wounds. And deeper disappointment. Yet, we find our capacity to feel has broadened. With each hardship we gain new knowledge and wisdom. With each mistake we grow. We find courage in our struggles to overcome the odds against us, for the devil knows no greater joy than seeing us fall. And fall we refuse.

The heart retains so much of who we are. Our brains are analytical, black and white. It processes facts, information and intellect. It distributes the necessary impulses to make us function. But our hearts...our hearts are a deep abyss of pure emotion. Love, hate, longing, hope. Every sentiment we experience might begin in the brain, but it is felt in the heart. Residually, it breaks when we fail. When we lose a loved one. When we are betrayed. And it seems to swell to twice its size when we practice patience. Endure hope. Feel a sense of pride. Fall in love. Accomplish greatness.

Dare we dream big at the risk of coming up empty handed? Things worth having rarely come easily, and rarely come without risk. There is profound beauty in the moments we sacrifice everything and put our hearts on the line, because we stand to lose it all. Our ability to hurt is coupled with our ability to love. One cannot exist without the other. Dreams cannot exist without the heart.

We remain still unwilling to deny our hearts the opportunity to start over, to burn with the flames of a new wish. And so we wipe away our tears and begin again. Stronger this time.

Breaking a heart isn’t depriving it of love or hope, but rather, taking away its dream. When it is denied what it so achingly desires, it is left void. It beats no longer with the energy invested in longing for the one thing that makes it powerful with emotion. Its valiant rhythm is interrupted, broken.

Until another inspiration comes along and awakens it to dream again.

November Blog Series: Day 8

Monday. Day eight. The start of a new week. Oh boy. Bring it.

Sometimes I feel like I’m throwing effort after foolishness. Like all of the advances I’m trying to make are pointless and worthless. Like I’m chasing something that doesn’t want to be pursued. And I’m going to end up hitting a dead end or with a broken heart. Or worse, both.

I can already feel the tiny fissures opening up along the exterior of my heart.

Have you ever put your emotions into something that doesn’t necessarily reciprocate? Have you ever put yourself out there over and over again, only to walk away feeling used? Have you ever had your time and your feelings treated so casually that you feel a little like you don’t exist? I have. More than I care to mention lately. What makes it even harder to deal with was that this particular “situation” seemed at first to be on the same page. Guess not. Stupid me.

Kellie = doormat

I recently convinced myself that I would no longer let drama invade my life. I made a promise to myself that I would wash my hands of any useless crap and do my best not to let things bring me down. I’ve done pretty well so far, but some days I would just like to ball up in a fetal position and cry for a while. I guess it was ridiculous of me to think that I could shield myself from letting anything negative affect me. We all have down days.

I am worn out from putting myself out there and getting nothing in return. It hurts. Why can’t people just follow through with promises, and things they say they’re going to do? Is that really too much to ask? I hate this roller coaster ride I’m on. Up with hope, down with disappointment. I should be used to this by now.

I’m not a saint, and I know I have my faults. But I’m a good person. I know how big my heart is. Just for once, I would like for it not to be stepped on and abused. That’s all I’m asking.

This sucks. Time to make some more changes in my life. I am sick of being a doormat. I am tired of playing the fool. I’m not going to allow myself, anymore, to be convinced that I am less valuable or not worth someone else’s time. When it’s important, they’ll make time. Until then, I’m not holding my breath. And I may not be around when the light bulb finally comes on.

I have more self worth than that. Eff ‘em. Time for me to concentrate on number one.

November Blog Series: Day 7

Good morning, friends! Day seven (also my lucky number) has started out to be a lovely, crisp autumn day. Note the maroon color on the image to the right…

That’s ‘cause the Wrecking Crew is back! WHOOP!! My boys brought it to last night’s game, beating No. 8 ranked OU 33-19! Yeah, baby! I’m proud to be an Aggie every day, but this morning I’m just a little more smug than usual. This coming weekend, we face the leaders of the Big 12 – the Baylor Bears. Between Baylor’s offense and A&M’s defense, it should make for a pretty competitive game. Then again, A&M has only lost to Baylor, like, twice in the last two decades. Still...

And just in case you wanna see for yourself just how great the Aggies are, check out the video highlights of the OU game from Aggie Athletics on Facebook: http://www.facebook.com/video/video.php?v=10100435624926034 (You'll have to copy and paste it, since my html doesn't seem to be working to support the link.) Did you happen to catch that 100 yard touchdown??? Greatness! I love being ranked!

I also love waking up in a good mood. I attribute that to several factors:

a) Aggie victory
b) Exciting things on the horizon
c) Had a huge bowl of guacamole dip and cheesy beef fajita enchiladas for dinner last night
d) Extra hour of sleep, in addition to the induced coma brought about by said Mexican food
e) Great dreams last night (the kind from which you don’t want to wake)

This week, my family from Seattle is flying here to spend time with us Texans. My aunt (who is also my godmother), her boys, their wives and three grandchildren, will be arriving this coming Wednesday, and I can hardly wait to throw my arms around them. I haven’t seen them in over two years. We can get pretty loud and rowdy when all of us are together (especially where football is concerned). By the end of their stay, I figure I should drop a healthy five pounds or so – just from laughing so hard.

Among the excitement on the horizon, this coming Friday evening, my sister and I are hosting a celebration for my parents. Originally, we were labeling it a “Century Party” due to the fact that both of my parents are turning 60, and this year marks their 40th wedding anniversary (60 + 40 = 100). Now we’re just calling it a “celebration” since it includes Dad’s retirement, too. Good times! There’s lots to do this week to get prepared. Going to have to get busy later today and start compiling music for the occasion. And cut the bottoms of the wine bottles for the hurricane candle lamps. And pick up supplies this week. And get a final head count for the caterer by Tuesday. And…

Wow. How blessed are we.

Well, it’s a beautiful, sunny day outside. Don’t want to waste any of it sitting indoors at the computer. Headed to campus later with my sister to take some photographs.

Good luck to you hunters. Don’t shoot anything that ‘moos’ or ‘barks’ (or stands on two legs).

And one more thing…Farmers Fight! WHOOOOOOOP!!!

November Blog Series: Day 6

Day six finds me in a state of confusion.

A happy state of confusion, though. I feel a little like I’ve approached an intersection with six different directions mapped out in front of me. And each road is paved in gold, with the potential for a happy ending. So begins the next chapter in the book of my life.

Don’t misunderstand. I’m not knocking my blessings by any means. I am both grateful and humbled to be forced to contend with some of the decisions I will soon be asked to make. I know there are countless others who are struggling to deal with even the simplest strides in life. This fact reminds me to not to take things, or people, for granted. Every aspect included in my story is all a part of the bigger picture. Each step forward is a new experience. Each sentence is a description of measure that is inevitably building and shaping my character. Each page I turn is progressing up to a pivotal moment in my life. That moment will change me from the plain woman I was born, and transform me into the extraordinary creature God wants me to be.

My personal life is looking up. That decision is an easy one, for I know that God has His hand in it. I’m enjoying this little feeling of butterflies that’s stirring around inside me, and there’s a certain peace of mind knowing it was/is/shall be all written by Him. I feel extremely lucky and content.

On the other hand, my professional life is where the confusion is brewing. It’s not a secret to most of you now that I am a divorcee. That chapter in my life is in the past, and I’ve overcome some pretty surmounting odds in the past year. Little did I know that while everything bad was falling away, I would be showered with a culmination of positive things to counterbalance the negative. I feel like I’m on the flip side of a coin. The tail side (my past) is now lying face down in the dirt. While heads (my future) is lying face up on the sidewalk of possibilities, shiny with the reflection from the overhead sun. Do I risk disturbing the reflection and pick it up to toss it again? Will it land silver side up? Is that part of the story already there and I accidentally read over it?

No matter which road I take, I know it will lead me back in the direction that God wants me to eventually go. I am a little uncertain of the unknown. And while the prospect of starting over in life has a few disadvantages, I am elated with the beautiful chaos of “new” and “exciting” advantages that lie before me. Then again, it should feel like familiar territory. I’ve been “staring over” for a while now. It’s almost like I’ve reread the same paragraph on a page several times, because I allowed something to distract me, momentarily allowing my focus to be compromised. Regardless, even though some parts of the story are not as engrossing as others, I must lumber on through the structure and facts to establish a foundation. Only then, can I start to appreciate how the events develop with a sense of unusual and amazing flair. Each chapter retains a certain worth. Each one is imperative to the story line. Although some are dark and complex, they belong in the same book as the happier ones, for they have helped to create my identity.

So, which way do I go? I don’t know. I just need to pray for God’s advice, and for Him to take away the opportunities He doesn’t want me to seek. My path will be revealed, and I anticipate that I will get lost and make mistakes from time to time. It is all part of my growth in the story. And even if I try my hand at traveling down every route, I take comfort that the roads will merge somewhere up ahead, or loop back around to point me in the right direction. I cannot get lost with God in charge of the navigation.

Still at my crossroads, I am nonetheless confused, but happily overwhelmed. My hesitation is accompanied with the peace in knowing that I have learned to trust myself again to make the best choices for me. Each direction is representative of a specific purpose in my life. A purpose graced with ability, gifted by God. Ability made of certain significance, so that I can use it to its highest capacity to exemplify the talents with which I am honored to be chosen to share.

Stepping forth I realize that every lesson learned has guided and strengthened me for the next phase of my journey. I’ve come to the end of the chapters that were prewritten for me.

It’s time to write my own.

November Blog Series: Day 5

Hello, day five. I love the fact that not only are you an odd, prime number, but you’re also a Friday as well. Brownie points all around. **golf clap**

I’m not sure if this qualifies as cheating or not, but seeing as there were never any established ground rules for my daily writing challenge, and it’s now after midnight (making it officially the fifth day), I think this substantially meets the requirement for posting at least once within a 24-hour period.

Man, that was a long sentence!

My topic for the day is already picked out. It has to do with something very embarrassing. And embarrassing is just the tip of a considerably large iceberg.

The topic to which I’m referring involves sex. Specifically, the humiliation that two parents can unknowingly, undoubtedly, and sometimes purposely, flaunt upon their spawn.

Now, I have never been one to be easily embarrassed. My family members have tried just about everything imaginable to disprove this. I’ve been performing in front of people since the early age of three, so I'm not easily rattled. Not a lot unnerves me. However, my one exclusion is parental sex and/or innuendos.

**shudder** Ew.

Case in point. Earlier this evening – or rather, yesterday evening (it’s still dark out so they’re kind of blended together into one long stretch of time), I sat down to watch a movie with my parents. My dear dad, in his efforts to record whatever movie title his satellite program may have suggested to him, picked a real humdinger. I could tell immediately by the look and sound of the opening credits that it was going to end up being some soft-core porn B flick.

I was right.

On both accounts.

Within the first five minutes, there was a man in a speedo, “wooing” a topless woman. I use the word “wooing” loosely. Insert your own expletive here. Suffice it to say, the speedo came off quickly, and the “wooing” started to escalate. I don’t want to see breast meat and pork sausage on the television! Much less with my parents sitting just mere feet away from me in the same room!! I politely got up and excused myself to the kitchen to get a glass of tea.

I swear to you, it took every single ounce of calm I could muster not to squeeze my eyes shut, cover my ears, and run from the room. Not even kidding.

My parents thought this to be highly entertaining.

I know about the birds and bees. I’m in my thirties. I’ve experienced some things for myself. In fact, I actually learned all about it a fairly young age. My sister is roughly four years younger than I, so being a curious three-year-old, I wasn’t satisfied with only the vague information meant to tide me over until I knew exactly how my sister got in my mom’s tummy. Mom and Dad were never kitschy or silly about educating me. I asked. They explained. I don’t really remember this, but Mom does. Evidently, not long before my sister was born, we happened to be in a grocery store behind another pregnant lady. Mom says I first told the lady I liked her hair, and then asked her if she was going to have a baby, too. I then proceeded to tell her just exactly how that baby got in there. Mom says she’d never seen anyone’s eyes get so big, so quickly. I think maybe even the kid behind the counter got a biology lesson that day.

Kids are more observant than we give them credit for, naturally. And they do manage to say the darnedest things.

I’m not living in a cave. I know my parents have sex. I know for sure they’ve had it at least twice. My sister and I came into the world after all. I just don’t want to think about my parents doing some of the things I’ve done. Gives me the heebie jeebies. And I really really really do not want to hear them gettin’ busy. **gag** I mean, they’re nearly 60! They should be spending their days bird watching and shopping estate/antique sales. Not jivin’ to Marvin Gaye.

I can’t exactly put my finger on what it is about it that embarrasses me. It’s like being on a first date with someone – at a movie – and trying to watch a flamboyant sex scene with an air of nonchalance. I have a hard time doing it. Thank goodness the theatre is dark, so he can’t see the nice shade of ruby my face resembles. Maybe it’s the element of having my comfort level forced to spontaneously broaden. I don’t know. I’ve just never been a sexually explicit person (publicly). I think some things should stay behind closed doors. Again, I’ll refer to a previous blog about PDA.

I know human beings are sexual creatures. It is our innate need to procreate and spread our seed. I get it. And when the hormones are surging and you’re caught up in the moment of lust, pleasure and passion…well, you get the idea. The notion of others being affected or not by this is perversely intriguing to me. It’s not like I sit and think about it, but once it’s in my head, it’s stuck! I equivocate it to placing a double-layered hunk of chocolate cake in front of a dieter and then telling him not to eat it. The age-old concept of reverse psychological temptation and determent. Look, but don’t touch. Touch, but don’t taste. Taste but don’t swallow. See a porn flick with the folks and don’t think about where the amorous mood will lead afterwards.

**cringe**

Gonna wind this down now. I’m only going to further embarrass myself by continuing to write about it. The point was to blog about something on a daily basis, and I have effectively managed to accomplish that.

I’m sure one day I’ll embarrass my own children in some way or another. I hope when I’m in my golden years that I’m still kickin’ my heels up, too. In every sense of the word.

Oh yeah... So, how did the movie end? Don’t know. Wasn’t brave enough to watch it. And I’m kinda hoping my parents didn’t finish watching it either. Ick.

I just know I’m going to hear “Sexual Healing” flowing through my brain tonight as I try to go to sleep. Damn you, Marvin! There is just no way to remove the scarring mental image now burned in my brain.

Hold me.