November Blog Series: Day 8

Monday. Day eight. The start of a new week. Oh boy. Bring it.

Sometimes I feel like I’m throwing effort after foolishness. Like all of the advances I’m trying to make are pointless and worthless. Like I’m chasing something that doesn’t want to be pursued. And I’m going to end up hitting a dead end or with a broken heart. Or worse, both.

I can already feel the tiny fissures opening up along the exterior of my heart.

Have you ever put your emotions into something that doesn’t necessarily reciprocate? Have you ever put yourself out there over and over again, only to walk away feeling used? Have you ever had your time and your feelings treated so casually that you feel a little like you don’t exist? I have. More than I care to mention lately. What makes it even harder to deal with was that this particular “situation” seemed at first to be on the same page. Guess not. Stupid me.

Kellie = doormat

I recently convinced myself that I would no longer let drama invade my life. I made a promise to myself that I would wash my hands of any useless crap and do my best not to let things bring me down. I’ve done pretty well so far, but some days I would just like to ball up in a fetal position and cry for a while. I guess it was ridiculous of me to think that I could shield myself from letting anything negative affect me. We all have down days.

I am worn out from putting myself out there and getting nothing in return. It hurts. Why can’t people just follow through with promises, and things they say they’re going to do? Is that really too much to ask? I hate this roller coaster ride I’m on. Up with hope, down with disappointment. I should be used to this by now.

I’m not a saint, and I know I have my faults. But I’m a good person. I know how big my heart is. Just for once, I would like for it not to be stepped on and abused. That’s all I’m asking.

This sucks. Time to make some more changes in my life. I am sick of being a doormat. I am tired of playing the fool. I’m not going to allow myself, anymore, to be convinced that I am less valuable or not worth someone else’s time. When it’s important, they’ll make time. Until then, I’m not holding my breath. And I may not be around when the light bulb finally comes on.

I have more self worth than that. Eff ‘em. Time for me to concentrate on number one.