Friday, August 27, 2010

Hello, my name is Kellie. And I'm a Shoe-aholic.

I am often baffled and perplexed when taking into consideration the addictions that humans form. Myself included. Words that come to mind when attempting to describe said addictions are: habit, compulsion, dependence, need, obsession, craving and infatuation. All of these words can be attributed to my worship of shoes. I am a shoe-aholic. And I do not, nor do I ever intend to, apologize for my addiction. Ladies, holla!

So that the men-folk (in particular) have a better grasp on the subject, I will explain, in great detail, why I cannot live without shoes.

Reason number one: I have great taste and style, and am often encouraged to express myself through fabulous footwear.

Reason number two: Below you will find a clarification of the previously mentioned terms...

HABIT - This is no different than blinking or swallowing. Some habits are much less socially-acceptable than others, like spitting, picking your nose, or adjusting your "package" (ahem, men). A shoe habit is simply good taste. You wouldn't leave the house without brushing your teeth and making sure you have on deodorant, right? Well, there you go. Wearing/purchasing cute shoes is an admirable habit to make part of your daily routine. It just makes good sense. And 'snaps' for making that habit a stylish one!

COMPULSION - This is what usually happens when a herd of women decide to return to their mother ship. The 'mother ship' is cleverly disguised to thwart the men. Some of the most common 'mother ships' are Bandolino, Nine West, DSW, name a few. We must check in from time to time with our mother ship to gratify our obligations to the shoe gods. The compulsion must be satisfied in order to keep planetary peace. We all want world peace. I'm convinced that if everyone had a great pair of shoes, world peace may, indeed, be attainable.

DEPENDENCE - Do you depend on air to breathe? Or coffee in the morning? Well, I depend on shoes to function. And so do most other women. We depend on our shoes for various reasons, all of which are completely legit. We depend on them to make us feel sexy, sassy, or sophisticated. Men stand to benefit the most from our boost in self-confidence. When we feel good, we make sure our men do, too. I think I just sufficiently made my point.

NEED - Pretty self-explanatory. But for argument's sake, let's elaborate. Do men really need three types of electric drills? Or up to fourteen different golf clubs in a set? I can hear you shouting "yes" at the computer. And each golf club serves a specific purpose, so you need them. Correct? Likewise, each pair of shoes serves a particular purpose. For example, we need a low, sensible heel for the office (depending on where we work). A stiletto is a multipurpose shoe: not only does it elongate the appearance of the leg, making us feel taller and more sexy, the heel can be a deadly weapon against an attacker (or some idiot provoking us during PMS). A tennis shoe is good for bee-bopping around town - like visiting the mother ship, or working out. The point is, all shoes are needed. If we didn't need them, they would get their feelings hurt. And that's just sad.

OBSESSION - If I could stalk my shoes I would. It's not illegal. There have even been a few times when I've considered clubbing another woman over the head in order to knock her I could steal her shoes. A woman's obsession with her shoes is not a matter with which to be trifled. E-V-E-R. **polishing my knife**

CRAVING - Just like a person goes to a buffet because he craves a smorgasbord of food, a woman craves a wide variety of shoes. And like me, most are not above purchasing the same shoe in different colors, because it satisfies our craving for diversity and style. We all have different tastes, some of us more adept at refining it than others, but cravings are a necessary ploy to further tempt us to a level of life beyond satisfaction. It's the American Dream. Can you imagine the chaos that would ensue if manufacturers ceased to make shoes, because - gasp - god forbid, women stopped craving them?! The economy would go to a bad pair of retro, velcro, two-toned polyester shoes. **cringe**

INFATUATION - With life, comes a certain amount of passion. Passion drives people to venture outside of their limits. Passion encourages creativity, progress, enthusiasm and zeal. Infatuation is a very unique form of passion. Infatuation is a healthy dose of lust for the sole - er, soul. I just happen to have a very healthy infatuation with my shoes. All 118 pairs of them.

And last but not least...

Reason number three - I am a woman. No further explanation required.

Well, there you have it. I don't consider it a label, or a stereotype, to be called a "shoe-aholic". Truth be told, it's quite a compliment. In fact, my love of shoes shall no longer be referred to as a habit of devotion. Henceforth, it shall be a vice.

Thursday, August 26, 2010

Public Displays of Affection

For those of you out there who never learned what is deemed to be an appropriate amount of public displays of affection (PDA), I will be more than happy to share my opinion with you.

As I'm typing this, I'm distracted by a couple in my peripheral vision who needs to learn the rules. They are practically procreating on a couch in the coffee house that has become my second home for writing my book. It's like a car wreck. Can't. Look. Away. I'm both appalled, and slightly intrigued by their obvious affection for each other. I'm having a hard time concentrating. I may even have to smoke a cigarette after it's all said and done. And I don't smoke. Ever.

Based on their present involvement with each other, I can only deduce the following:

1. They haven't seen each other for quite some time, thus failing to resist the urge to publicly express their desires. Maybe they're just showing off. If this is the case, surely they could've have been more creative in their venue selection. Geez, you two. Time to come up for air!

2. They are European. Everyone knows that Europeans are the masters of romance and passion. That is indisputable. I think it's in the water over there. Nevertheless, if they are European, perhaps they aren't aware of the rules.

3. They are newly in love. Now, I'm not knocking the euphoric feeling of longing or lusting after another while in the process of falling head over heels. It is a wonderful feeling. Just feel it behind closed doors. I don't want the scent of your pheromones interfering with the aroma of my latte.

4. They are blind. And they have no regard for others. Obviously, this is not the case, as there are no seeing eye dogs anywhere on the premises, and if there were, the mood would have them amorously humping the legs of innocent bystanders. In a place that serves food and beverages, this would be highly unsanitary. Unless we were in Europe.

5. I'm being featured on a hidden camera. I have a feeling this must be the most likely scenario, because right about now my face resembles a tomato with hair from the humiliation. I can still hear their lips smacking and the tiny little moans emanating from between them. I've craftily given the illusion that I'm absorbed in my music with my earbuds plugged in, but find myself getting caught up in the atmosphere. Sneaky.

So, in light of the above motives for making out in public, I leave you with the rules. They are simple to follow, as there are only a couple. They are:

1. If it's anything more than a nice hug, holding hands, or a quick peck, don't do it.
2. There is no other rule.

*Note: the operative word in rule #1 being "nice". If you have any questions as to what "nice" implies, then you are probably a repeat PDA offender.

Simple enough, right? Seems they've finally slowed down. Oh, wait, they've stopped. I feel like applauding. Anyone have a light?

Wednesday, August 25, 2010

Maroon & White vs. Green & Gold

Since it is now after midnight, I can officially say 'good morning' to my followers (my faithful few).

My life has been on a whirlwind ride as of late. In addition to the air of anticipation with the onset of the coming season, I must admit I have some reservations about how to successfully convert (or divert?) a specific person's attention away from a tasteless color scheme duo of green and gold (ick!) to the much bolder, richer maroon and white. I'm talking about football, people. Specifically, Texas A&M vs. Baylor. Now, for all you past, present and future Aggies out there, you understand where I'm coming from. But how does one persuade another individual of the opposing mindset to think outside the box? Stockholm Syndrome is no laughing matter, and I can only imagine is very hard to disassociate oneself from his captor once the brain has atrophied into a state of submission. However, my argument holds water. Seriously. It is quite evident that Aggies are superior to Bears.

I will prove it. Emotions and color schemes aside, we will begin our investigation with a lesson in terms. Which brings us to my next question...What is an Aggie?

Wikipedia defines an Aggie as the following: Aggie may be a diminutive form of the given names Agnatha, Agamemnon, Agata/Agatha, or Agnes. It may also be a diminutive form of a family name that begins with 'Ag-'. See also Aggy.

Texas A&M Aggies (variously A&M or Texas Aggies) refers to the sports teams of Texas A&M University. The nickname "Aggie" is common at land-grant or "Ag" (agriculture) schools in many states. The teams compete in Division I of NCAA sports. Texas A&M was a charter member of the Southwest Conference until its dissolution and subsequent formation of the Big 12 Conference in 1996. The athletic program competes in the South Division of the Big 12, along with Baylor University, Oklahoma State University, Texas Tech University, the University of Oklahoma, and the University of Texas. Texas A&M's official school colors are maroon and white. The teams are referred to as Aggies and the mascot is a pure-bred collie named Reveille.

If you're still unclear on the definition of what an Aggie is, chances are, you call him "Boss".

And just to show you I'm impartial to discrimination, Wikipedia gives a nice little definition of a bear:

Bears are mammals of the family Ursidae. Bears are classified as caniforms, or doglike carnivorans, with the pinnipeds being their closest living relatives. Although there are only eight living species of bear, they are widespread, appearing in a wide variety of habitats throughout the Northern Hemisphere and partially in the Southern Hemisphere. Bears are found in the continents of North America, South America, Europe, and Asia. Common characteristics of modern bears include a large body with stocky legs, a long snout, shaggy hair, plantigrade paws with five nonretractile claws, and a short tail. While the polar bear is mostly carnivorous and the giant panda feeds almost entirely on bamboo, the remaining six species are omnivorous, with largely varied diets including both plants and animals.

Identities aside, let's break it down into scientific terms: Bipeds vs. Quadrupeds. See? Any topic laced with factual evidence is a strong one. I love being an Aggie. I'm always right. :) Stop laughing, you two percenters!

Bipedalism is a form of terrestrial locomotion where an organism moves by means of its two rear limbs, or legs. An animal or machine that usually moves in a bipedal manner is known as a biped, meaning "two feet" (from the Latin bi for "two" and ped for "foot"). Types of bipedal movement include walking, running, or hopping, on two appendages (typically legs).

All of the defined aforementioned movements are things the Aggie football team is highly adept at performing. Have you ever seen a bear play football? There's a reason Animal Planet doesn't host sporting events.

Quadrupedalism is a form of land animal locomotion using four limbs or legs. An animal or machine that usually moves in a quadrupedal manner is known as a quadruped, meaning "four feet" (from the Latin quad for "four" and ped for "foot"). The majority of walking animals are quadrupeds, including mammals such as BEARS, cattle and cats, and reptiles, like lizards.

How, may I pose the question, does one play football on all fours? The answer: He doesn't. And can you imagine what the uniforms would look like? Wretched!

Now, I mean no disrespect to my fellow football fans out there, especially those who made the wrong choice not to attend Texas A&M. Not everyone can be perfect. I mean, where else can you find the tradition and spirit that 'can ne'er be told'? I agree with the motto, "From the outside looking in, you can't understand it. From the inside looking out, you can't explain it." Well, I can sum it up: Maroon and white is the bomb, baby! All other colors suck! **sticks tongue out** Ninner ninner.

But go ahead. I won't begrudge you your dirty little habit of lusting after green and gold (you know who you are). If you want to look like a pimpin' Irish bear, be my guest. You'll likely find sympathy with people if you tell them you're colorblind. My advice to you is to save the bears for cuddling, and allowing them to cleanse the planet's gene pool by snacking on their share of selective forest idiots (aka Baylor freshmen).

I, myself, prefer to look like a winner. I proudly wear my Aggie Maroon! Provoke a bear, and he'll probably growl, bite and maim you. Provoke an Aggie, and he'll plow his way down the field to score the touchdown. Farmers Fight! WHOOP!