Friday, August 27, 2010

Hello, my name is Kellie. And I'm a Shoe-aholic.

I am often baffled and perplexed when taking into consideration the addictions that humans form. Myself included. Words that come to mind when attempting to describe said addictions are: habit, compulsion, dependence, need, obsession, craving and infatuation. All of these words can be attributed to my worship of shoes. I am a shoe-aholic. And I do not, nor do I ever intend to, apologize for my addiction. Ladies, holla!

So that the men-folk (in particular) have a better grasp on the subject, I will explain, in great detail, why I cannot live without shoes.

Reason number one: I have great taste and style, and am often encouraged to express myself through fabulous footwear.

Reason number two: Below you will find a clarification of the previously mentioned terms...

HABIT - This is no different than blinking or swallowing. Some habits are much less socially-acceptable than others, like spitting, picking your nose, or adjusting your "package" (ahem, men). A shoe habit is simply good taste. You wouldn't leave the house without brushing your teeth and making sure you have on deodorant, right? Well, there you go. Wearing/purchasing cute shoes is an admirable habit to make part of your daily routine. It just makes good sense. And 'snaps' for making that habit a stylish one!

COMPULSION - This is what usually happens when a herd of women decide to return to their mother ship. The 'mother ship' is cleverly disguised to thwart the men. Some of the most common 'mother ships' are Bandolino, Nine West, DSW, name a few. We must check in from time to time with our mother ship to gratify our obligations to the shoe gods. The compulsion must be satisfied in order to keep planetary peace. We all want world peace. I'm convinced that if everyone had a great pair of shoes, world peace may, indeed, be attainable.

DEPENDENCE - Do you depend on air to breathe? Or coffee in the morning? Well, I depend on shoes to function. And so do most other women. We depend on our shoes for various reasons, all of which are completely legit. We depend on them to make us feel sexy, sassy, or sophisticated. Men stand to benefit the most from our boost in self-confidence. When we feel good, we make sure our men do, too. I think I just sufficiently made my point.

NEED - Pretty self-explanatory. But for argument's sake, let's elaborate. Do men really need three types of electric drills? Or up to fourteen different golf clubs in a set? I can hear you shouting "yes" at the computer. And each golf club serves a specific purpose, so you need them. Correct? Likewise, each pair of shoes serves a particular purpose. For example, we need a low, sensible heel for the office (depending on where we work). A stiletto is a multipurpose shoe: not only does it elongate the appearance of the leg, making us feel taller and more sexy, the heel can be a deadly weapon against an attacker (or some idiot provoking us during PMS). A tennis shoe is good for bee-bopping around town - like visiting the mother ship, or working out. The point is, all shoes are needed. If we didn't need them, they would get their feelings hurt. And that's just sad.

OBSESSION - If I could stalk my shoes I would. It's not illegal. There have even been a few times when I've considered clubbing another woman over the head in order to knock her I could steal her shoes. A woman's obsession with her shoes is not a matter with which to be trifled. E-V-E-R. **polishing my knife**

CRAVING - Just like a person goes to a buffet because he craves a smorgasbord of food, a woman craves a wide variety of shoes. And like me, most are not above purchasing the same shoe in different colors, because it satisfies our craving for diversity and style. We all have different tastes, some of us more adept at refining it than others, but cravings are a necessary ploy to further tempt us to a level of life beyond satisfaction. It's the American Dream. Can you imagine the chaos that would ensue if manufacturers ceased to make shoes, because - gasp - god forbid, women stopped craving them?! The economy would go to a bad pair of retro, velcro, two-toned polyester shoes. **cringe**

INFATUATION - With life, comes a certain amount of passion. Passion drives people to venture outside of their limits. Passion encourages creativity, progress, enthusiasm and zeal. Infatuation is a very unique form of passion. Infatuation is a healthy dose of lust for the sole - er, soul. I just happen to have a very healthy infatuation with my shoes. All 118 pairs of them.

And last but not least...

Reason number three - I am a woman. No further explanation required.

Well, there you have it. I don't consider it a label, or a stereotype, to be called a "shoe-aholic". Truth be told, it's quite a compliment. In fact, my love of shoes shall no longer be referred to as a habit of devotion. Henceforth, it shall be a vice.

1 comment:

  1. You forgot the fact that no matter what size we are, or how our body shape might change, we can always feel pretty/sexy/sassy/flirty/ a good pair of shoes.

    The same boiled chicken with salt and pepper would be boring if you had to eat it everyday. It's the same for shoes. They're just the spices of a wardrobe.