It is officially day two of my writing challenge. Today is voting day for mid-term elections. I thought at first that I might write about politics, but in my fit of passion for that topic, I would likely end up giving myself an aneurysm.However, get out there and do your civic duty, people! You have no grounds to complain if you don’t use your voice and make an effort regarding who actually ends up leading our states and this nation. And that is all I will say about it today.
I think I will write about bad drivers.
I am not one.
There’s a quote I think about often: “God must love stupid people, because He made so many of them.” This saying is only solidified and rings loudly true when I get behind the wheel and brave the traffic. It takes all kinds to make the world go ‘round. And on the highway of life’s journey there are a select few who have successfully managed to lower the IQ of the entire human race. These people will undoubtedly end up forcing us to return to the days of cave dwelling.
In short, here is an inventory of the most common types of bad drivers and situations. Or, at least the bad drivers and situations that most commonly irritate me:
1. Do not tail my bumper so closely that I can count your teeth or see the color of your eyes. And rest assured if I have to slam on my brakes, you WILL be buying a Ford.
2. Ladies, stop putting on your makeup while you drive. Really? Can you not get up an extra ten or twenty minutes earlier to apply it in the confined safety of your non-moving home? When I hear stories about women showing up in the ER with a mascara wand embedded in their eye socket, I have a little bit of trouble mustering up any sympathy for them.
3. Texting. **sigh** I think I will reserve this subject for an entire blog in itself. But in a nutshell, STOP TEXTING AND DRIVING! Unless you’re an octopus and have eight arms with which to multi-task, you do not need the distraction of trying to juggle your cell phone while attempting to concentrate on the road. And last I checked, the DMV doesn’t issue licenses to octopuses anyway.
4. If you are going to drive under the speed limit, please please please stay in the right hand lane. It is the courteous thing to do if you are driving 30 mph while every other car on the road is driving 70 mph. Seriously.
5. I’ve pulled trailers before, so I understand the difficulty in having to compensate for the careful maneuvering required to keep your load (and your vehicle) intact. I respect you. I do. But, you do not own the road. Pay careful mind to the cars around you who don’t weigh a combined three+ tons. We have a right to be there, too. Same rules apply to the big rigs. Don’t be a jackass.
6. Learn the all-important fluids that are necessary to make your engine run smoothly and your vehicle function safely. And I’m convinced there must’ve been a sudden inflation hike on blinker fluid, because a lot of you seem to be running low on it.
7. Do not slow down at a green light. “Green” means “go”. If you need help finding the gas pedal, it’s that thing down there to the right of the brake.
8. Thugs, please turn down your music. I really don’t want to hear you bassin’ about ‘someone bussin’ a cap in yo ass’ or whatever other gangsta beat may be flowing from your speakers. I love music. I love to jam, too. But I do not love being distracted by it while operating a vehicle. I will be more than happy to convey this to you in sign language, as the likelihood of you being hearing-impaired is highly probable in this scenario.
9. Attention: habitual lane changers. Never mind… I’m not even sure where to begin.
10. Smokers and litterbugs: I cannot gather enough derogatory words or comments concerning the two of you. Well, I can, but I’m really trying to keep this PG-13. I will never understand, or tolerate, your disgusting habit. Keep your cigarette butts and trash in the car. There are two very useful inventions that will come in handy for you – the ashtray and the trash bag. Use them.
11. Hey, you guys, you know that red, octagonal sign with the white lettering that reads, “STOP”? Guess what? That’s what it means! For real! Not, “pause” or “coast” or “roll right on through”. The word “stop” was the most efficient, abrupt phrase that would fit on the sign while simultaneously conveying a very specific instruction. It’s there for a reason. Can’t read it? Then you shouldn’t be driving.
12. Cyclists: all of the traffic laws apply to you, too. Just because you’re on two wheels instead of four does not mean you get to choose to obey only half of the laws. And when you zoom by me on the sidewalk and nearly knock me down, I will make it my mission to identify you, hide behind the nearest bush/tree/building, and clothesline you.
13. Wear your seatbelt. I do realize that the gene pool needs a good cleansing every once in a while. If you choose not to buckle up, then chances are you will eventually find yourself circling the drain…drowning in your own ignorance…suffocated by the potent aroma of bleach.
I’m sure there are more that belong on the list, but my brain can’t conjure them up at the moment. I probably should have gone with my first instinct to write about politics. About to hit the road to run some errands. I will try and avoid the traffic around the polling areas. I know for certain there are plenty of sheep, er, idiots...I mean, people there.
Oh, the stress. I can feel my arteries bulging already.
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