Wednesday, September 1, 2010

You Actually Left the House Wearing That??!

Today will be fondly known as “Soapbox Wednesday”. Maybe I’ll start a tradition…

My diatribe today is in regards to fashion. People come in all shapes and sizes. That is part of the blessing of the various appearances the human race has to offer. Color, creed and religious preferences aside, we are all human beings. I have a saying, “We are all the same color; just different shades”. But, alas, everyone does not dress alike. That in itself can often amount to being nothing short of a catastrophe, thus proving we are shades apart.

Lately, I have begun to question the fashion with which the human race is donning. It seems we are getting bigger (thanks drive-thrus), and the clothing is getting smaller. Most of us have embraced a lackadaisical lifestyle for which we take no pride or class in our exteriors. Don’t get me wrong. Everyone is entitled to his/her own peculiar tastes and choices in style. However, that fact does not make it appropriate to share some of your choices with the public.

The summary of my unsolicited advice is this:
1. Young ladies, please put on some clothing. Public sidewalks are not a runway for modeling the latest mid-drift.
2. Young men, please turn your hat around and wear it correctly and pull up your damn jeans. I know I’m not the only person who cares if you’re wearing your Scooby-Doo boxers or not.

Rarely do I ever set foot outside of my house without making sure I’m completely dressed. In fact, the only time I’ve ever been scantily clad in public view is when I’m having one of those terrible dreams where I’m rollerskating down the halls of my old high school, and then suddenly, I look down and realize I’m stark naked. And somehow, the only thing I can find to cover myself is an old pink and green quilt I’m pretty certain is stashed in my locker – and I can’t remember the combination to it.

Back to my point…

I’ve heard countless arguments that adults just don’t understand today’s youth. Not true. I understand that you have such little consideration for others (and yourself), that you can’t bother to exude any more effort to getting dressed in the morning, besides rolling out of bed and putting on the first articles of clothing you find on your floor. This applies to both sexes. When did it become acceptable to wear pajama pants and a t-shirt as common attire? Now, I’m all about comfort, I just believe that some clothing should be worn in the privacy of your own home. And ladies, when you’re wearing a skirt that is so short that your butt cheeks touch the chair when you sit down, take time to reconsider putting on something else. I’m positive a well-placed trash bag would be more attractive (with the right shoes, of course). I don’t care how cute your figure is; leave something to the imagination. On the same note, just because they make some styles in a size 7XX, doesn’t mean it’s the most flattering look for you. It’s no surprise to me that some men have lost respect for a majority of the young ladies out there. If you present yourself as a meat market, sooner or later, the only thing a guy will want to do is chew on the steak for a while. Show a little class.

And men, unless you’re a bona fide gang-banger or thug, please turn your baseball caps around and wear them in the manner for which they were designed. There are very few men that can pull off that look. Kudos to you, Fiddy. And the pants… **sigh** Where do I even begin? Years ago, when my sister and I were entering the wonderful world of dating, my dad made sure to give us fair warning about boys showing up to our house with their pants sagging below their waist. He vowed to permanently affix their jeans in the correct place with his staple gun. At the time, we were mortified that he would actually follow through with his threat. Nowadays, I find myself lurking in corners of the mall, holding a staple gun, just waiting to leap out and pounce on my unsuspecting victim.

As well, I place plenty of blame on the fashion industry. I love clothes. I hate shopping. I’m lucky enough to have an hourglass figure, but finding clothes to fit me is nearly impossible – like an honest act of congress. Most of the styles are made for pre-pubescent stick figure heroine addicts. ‘They’ say that fashion recycles. Well, welcome back to the 80s, folks. Neon colors and leggings are back. And I swear to you, if Velcro shoes ever thrive again, I will move to another planet. Some things need to go away forever. Like, Justin Beiber, the Jonas Bros. and Miley Cyrus (subject for another blog). And I cannot bring myself, ever, to get on board with girls above the age of 10 wearing bows anywhere on their head. Did you just get finished with cheer leading camp? Do you realize that you look like total moron? Just wanted to make you aware of that. N’kay?

And I know guys don’t have it much easier. I’m sure it’s hard to decide between acid-wash skinny jeans and a $90 t-shirt with all of that shaggy hair falling across your eyes. I’ll make it easy for you. Men do not look good in skinny jeans. At all. Give me a clean-cut, tall man in a pair of casual jeans and a Stetson cowboy hat any day of the week. Shirt is optional, especially if you resemble Joe Manganiello (Not familiar with him? See True Blood). **swoon** Yeehaw!

Living in a college town makes it easy to observe the interesting clothing combinations available to the helpless span of humans that roam Earth. Fashion can be a bit challenging at times. It is often entertaining, if not a bit sad. Open head, insert brain. Basic common sense should be a fairly easy concept to ascertain when it comes to the principles of applying clothing to specific areas of the body.

So I leave you with this final, sound advice. Social media is the wave of the future. Almost everything and everyone is accessible via the internet. Prospective employers will take a look at how you present yourself, both in the past, and for any potential future job endeavors. Try to sustain some aspect of virtue. Keep your clothes on.

Problem with my post? Refer to the First Amendment.

Time to sign off. I have some shopping to do. And I need to make sure my staple gun is loaded.


  1. I've just put the last stitch into my (VERY fashionable, of course) recently patented Staple Gun Holster & Ammo Sash. Will send you fabric samples for customization. Happy hunting!