Public Displays of Affection

For those of you out there who never learned what is deemed to be an appropriate amount of public displays of affection (PDA), I will be more than happy to share my opinion with you.

As I'm typing this, I'm distracted by a couple in my peripheral vision who needs to learn the rules. They are practically procreating on a couch in the coffee house that has become my second home for writing my book. It's like a car wreck. Can't. Look. Away. I'm both appalled, and slightly intrigued by their obvious affection for each other. I'm having a hard time concentrating. I may even have to smoke a cigarette after it's all said and done. And I don't smoke. Ever.

Based on their present involvement with each other, I can only deduce the following:

1. They haven't seen each other for quite some time, thus failing to resist the urge to publicly express their desires. Maybe they're just showing off. If this is the case, surely they could've have been more creative in their venue selection. Geez, you two. Time to come up for air!

2. They are European. Everyone knows that Europeans are the masters of romance and passion. That is indisputable. I think it's in the water over there. Nevertheless, if they are European, perhaps they aren't aware of the rules.

3. They are newly in love. Now, I'm not knocking the euphoric feeling of longing or lusting after another while in the process of falling head over heels. It is a wonderful feeling. Just feel it behind closed doors. I don't want the scent of your pheromones interfering with the aroma of my latte.

4. They are blind. And they have no regard for others. Obviously, this is not the case, as there are no seeing eye dogs anywhere on the premises, and if there were, the mood would have them amorously humping the legs of innocent bystanders. In a place that serves food and beverages, this would be highly unsanitary. Unless we were in Europe.

5. I'm being featured on a hidden camera. I have a feeling this must be the most likely scenario, because right about now my face resembles a tomato with hair from the humiliation. I can still hear their lips smacking and the tiny little moans emanating from between them. I've craftily given the illusion that I'm absorbed in my music with my earbuds plugged in, but find myself getting caught up in the atmosphere. Sneaky.

So, in light of the above motives for making out in public, I leave you with the rules. They are simple to follow, as there are only a couple. They are:

1. If it's anything more than a nice hug, holding hands, or a quick peck, don't do it.
2. There is no other rule.

*Note: the operative word in rule #1 being "nice". If you have any questions as to what "nice" implies, then you are probably a repeat PDA offender.

Simple enough, right? Seems they've finally slowed down. Oh, wait, they've stopped. I feel like applauding. Anyone have a light?