Being a woman is every bit a blessing as it sometimes is a curse. There’s a quote from one of my favorite movies of all time, Sliding Doors: “We’re women. We don’t know what we want, but we reserve the right to be pissed off when we don’t get it.” As a woman, I can assure you there’s some truth to that statement. On the flip side, there are often several things we do not want. Specifically, unwanted male attention.
Now, don’t misunderstand, not all attention from the opposite sex is unwanted. I love attention from a tall handsome man whom I find attractive. That "like" stops short of the random, slobbering idiots who I’m convinced often expect us to tell them, “Oh, yes, please. Take me now.” Unfortunately, those men are likely the ones who are the most persistent, and their flock of admiration is quickly growing in numbers.
Luckily, most men only have enough blood to supply oxygen to one head at a time, but finding the opportune moment of lucidity to apply the right technique to dissuade their lust could, in fact, be difficult.
Let’s break it down…
The Macho Man
The Macho Man is very impressed with himself, his physique, and the fact that he can crush a beer can against his skull without putting a dent in his hair (if he hasn’t already shaved it off to appear more macho). The Macho Man is not below catcalls and whistles to gain the attention of the opposite sex. Sometimes he shows up in bars, sometimes he cruises around in his LPT (Little Penis Truck), and most times, you find him in the gym, grunting and struggling to take his muscles to a whole new level of macho. He likely enjoys the sight of himself having sex with you more than he actually enjoys sex. His narcissistic nature will not allow him to compliment anything about you (with the exception of body parts). Stroking his ego is his number one priority, so unless you have a high-tolerance for testosterone, beer and pizza, any long-term potential with The Macho Man is highly doubtful. Oh, and The Macho Man never cries.
The Lovesick Puppy
Chances are, The Lovesick Puppy was probably denied breast milk as a baby, and so his primary infatuation stems from all things mammary. This man can also be found in public places, usually at the bar or the video/book store. At the bar, he hovers around you with a nervous smile, just waiting for you to look over at him. He doesn’t care if you have a brain, or even arms and legs. At the video/book store, he is the one slowly creeping closer to you as you peruse the Romantic Angst section. When you smell a faint hint of corn chips and mothballs, he has triumphantly invaded your personal space. The Lovesick Puppy will build an entire relationship in his mind, based off of one look, and he will likely propose to you after he’s bought you a drink. He will tell you he loves you after the first date, and if you succumb to a moment of delusion and actually sleep with him, prepare to have a shadow for the rest of your life. The Lovesick Puppy often becomes The Stalker.
The Stalker
No matter how nice you are, or how many blatant hints you drop on this guy (short of knocking him upside the head with a sledgehammer), he doesn’t know when to leave you alone. Part of you is flattered by the attention, while the other part of you is seriously weirded out. Generally speaking, all bets are off with The Stalker. He is depraved enough to believe that you actually invite the attention, and no moral, ethical or personal boundaries are too contradictory for him to attempt to violate. Chances are, he has already cyber-stalked you, so what he doesn’t know about your online life, he will soon learn about your physical one – usually with binoculars and coincidental appearances in the places you frequent. The Stalker is usually harmless, for he lacks the assertiveness and social skills to actually confront you. If you ignore him, he will probably go away. At least, until the day of your wedding... He’ll be the guy no one recognizes, lurking in the background of every candid moment caught on camera.
The Brooding Artist
Be it musician, writer, poet or painter, this guy has passion radiating out of every pore of his body. The Brooding Artist sees the world much differently than his other male accomplices. He is masculine, but in touch with his feminine side. He likes sports, but prefers to watch a foreign film instead of football. The Brooding Artist is well versed, articulate and has a smoldering gaze guaranteed to make you swoon. He is able to turn every aspect of his participation in the world into a philosophical approach to a deeper understanding of the elements in correlation with the soul. If you ever get the chance to sleep with The Brooding Artist, it will be an encounter beyond your most earth-moving fantasies. He is all about pleasing you and connecting with you on a higher plane of existence. Attention from The Brooding Artist is almost always welcomed. But, unfortunately, most long-term relationships with him are unattainable. He is in constant conflict with his inner self; he usually surrenders to self-absorption and reclusiveness in his efforts to express himself artistically.
The Pretty Boy
Usually spotted on the local country club golf course, or driving around in his Porsche Cayenne or BMW, The Pretty Boy has a palpable allure of arrogance, charm and perfectly highlighted locks. Whether J. Crew, or corporate Ralph Lauren, he is the very essence of attraction, with a twist of preppiness. He is often a repeating legacy of his father’s law firm, in politics, or the manager of a major financial company. If you receive attention from The Pretty Boy, then chances are you are quite the looker yourself. If you have any common sense – at all – you will turn and head in the opposite direction away from this guy. He could care less if you have the personality of a hairbrush, as long as your hair is blonde, your breasts are surgically enhanced, and your clothes are not off the rack. The Pretty Boy expects you to look just as good as he does (which, face it, is not remotely possible), while attending brunch at the club, posing for charity event photos, or mingling at the polo field. In the event that you do develop any long-standing commitment with The Pretty Boy, be prepared to have heated conflicts over vacationing in The Hamptons, “mother says…”, and keeping track of his weekly mani/pedis and hair appointments.
Of course, there are numerous classes with which to pigeonhole the male character – let’s not forget The Techie, The Clown, The Jock (similar to The Macho Man), The Cowboy, The Sailor, and The Dreamer – which are all pretty self-explanatory and fairly easy to handle. Though, based on my own experience, the previously-mentioned five are the most popular.
Here are a few tips I’ve come up with that should help successfully divert the unwanted attention:
1. Ask him if his back hair is thick and curly. Like yours!
2. Growl menacingly. Bonus points if you can foam at the mouth.
3. Tell him you’ve already picked out the names of your children. This will scare most guys away. Most.
4. Ask him his thoughts on a vasectomy as a means of birth control.
5. Have your journal with you. Offer to read it together.
6. Tell him you must consult your other personalities to get their approval before you can date him.
7. Tell him you think his receding hairline is kind of cute.
8. Vomit on his shirt. Unfortunate for him. Hugely gratifying for you.
9. Tell him you have a quiz in Cosmo that you want him to take…to see if the two of you are compatible of course!
10. Offer immediately to introduce him to your mother.
11. Offer immediately to organize his closet.
12. Stare incredulously at his nose and chin the entire time he’s talking to you, occasionally shaking your head in disgust.
13. Ask him, “Can you keep a secret?” Look from side to side, suspiciously, and then pull up your shirt to show him your superhero spandex. (Warning: doesn't work on the The Lovesick Puppy)
14. Offer to take him shopping. Now.
15. Tell him you’re a plastic surgeon, and you’ve been looking for a face like his to complete your pro bono hours.
16. Twitch. A lot. Tell him it’s a residual side-effect from a Radon leak at your former apartment.
17. Speak in tongues.
18. Tell him you’d like him to meet your little friend, and then pull out an action figure of Optimus Prime from your purse. Insist that he’s “more than meets the eye”.
19. Tell him you haven’t been off your meds long enough to really socialize with anyone.
20. Show him a picture of a guy friend, and tell him it’s you – before the operation.
Well, my friends, there you have it. All is fair in love and war, and the little mystery in the game of life known as ‘dating’. And remember to be respectful of the laws of attraction. God made us women irresistible for a reason.
So take pride in all of those quirky, unwanted advances from men. Today you might call them irritating. Tomorrow, you might call them ‘husband’.
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