Day six finds me in a state of confusion.
A happy state of confusion, though. I feel a little like I’ve approached an intersection with six different directions mapped out in front of me. And each road is paved in gold, with the potential for a happy ending. So begins the next chapter in the book of my life.
Don’t misunderstand. I’m not knocking my blessings by any means. I am both grateful and humbled to be forced to contend with some of the decisions I will soon be asked to make. I know there are countless others who are struggling to deal with even the simplest strides in life. This fact reminds me to not to take things, or people, for granted. Every aspect included in my story is all a part of the bigger picture. Each step forward is a new experience. Each sentence is a description of measure that is inevitably building and shaping my character. Each page I turn is progressing up to a pivotal moment in my life. That moment will change me from the plain woman I was born, and transform me into the extraordinary creature God wants me to be.
My personal life is looking up. That decision is an easy one, for I know that God has His hand in it. I’m enjoying this little feeling of butterflies that’s stirring around inside me, and there’s a certain peace of mind knowing it was/is/shall be all written by Him. I feel extremely lucky and content.
On the other hand, my professional life is where the confusion is brewing. It’s not a secret to most of you now that I am a divorcee. That chapter in my life is in the past, and I’ve overcome some pretty surmounting odds in the past year. Little did I know that while everything bad was falling away, I would be showered with a culmination of positive things to counterbalance the negative. I feel like I’m on the flip side of a coin. The tail side (my past) is now lying face down in the dirt. While heads (my future) is lying face up on the sidewalk of possibilities, shiny with the reflection from the overhead sun. Do I risk disturbing the reflection and pick it up to toss it again? Will it land silver side up? Is that part of the story already there and I accidentally read over it?
No matter which road I take, I know it will lead me back in the direction that God wants me to eventually go. I am a little uncertain of the unknown. And while the prospect of starting over in life has a few disadvantages, I am elated with the beautiful chaos of “new” and “exciting” advantages that lie before me. Then again, it should feel like familiar territory. I’ve been “staring over” for a while now. It’s almost like I’ve reread the same paragraph on a page several times, because I allowed something to distract me, momentarily allowing my focus to be compromised. Regardless, even though some parts of the story are not as engrossing as others, I must lumber on through the structure and facts to establish a foundation. Only then, can I start to appreciate how the events develop with a sense of unusual and amazing flair. Each chapter retains a certain worth. Each one is imperative to the story line. Although some are dark and complex, they belong in the same book as the happier ones, for they have helped to create my identity.
So, which way do I go? I don’t know. I just need to pray for God’s advice, and for Him to take away the opportunities He doesn’t want me to seek. My path will be revealed, and I anticipate that I will get lost and make mistakes from time to time. It is all part of my growth in the story. And even if I try my hand at traveling down every route, I take comfort that the roads will merge somewhere up ahead, or loop back around to point me in the right direction. I cannot get lost with God in charge of the navigation.
Still at my crossroads, I am nonetheless confused, but happily overwhelmed. My hesitation is accompanied with the peace in knowing that I have learned to trust myself again to make the best choices for me. Each direction is representative of a specific purpose in my life. A purpose graced with ability, gifted by God. Ability made of certain significance, so that I can use it to its highest capacity to exemplify the talents with which I am honored to be chosen to share.
Stepping forth I realize that every lesson learned has guided and strengthened me for the next phase of my journey. I’ve come to the end of the chapters that were prewritten for me.
It’s time to write my own.